I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
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