come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
