You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
