"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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