i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
