Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
