I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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