they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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