She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
