i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
