Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
