if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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