Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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