when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
