Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
