Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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