Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
