Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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