i wish starbucks made bloody marys
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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