So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
