When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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