Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
