"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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