The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Randomize
