I have demons in me.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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