I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
