I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
