Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
