Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
