my phone needs a breathalizer
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
