Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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