sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
