No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
