The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
