i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm bleeding and have questions
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
