i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
