sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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