i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
