You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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