How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
