Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
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Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
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no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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