My cat gives me a boner
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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