When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
