You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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