you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
