Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
