he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm always down for nudity.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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