he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
