what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
