There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
