I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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