If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
