Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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