see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
