it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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