Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
