onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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