Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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