I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?