I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
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vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
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From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard