if only i could text you this smell
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Rumble strips road head = magical
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.