He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
