$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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